What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 02:41
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We all went to grammer schools
I was 9 years of age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It was going to be , some day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Comes on , in middle age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was seconnd youngest,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were not on the streets..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i lived it daily.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was scared of men, in general
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is soul school!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it wasn’t much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ive learnt so much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..